“Over the years I’ve really learnt how to let go of a lot of grudges against people that do not or cannot understand.”
Over the years I’ve really learnt how to let go of a lot of grudges against people that do not or cannot understand. It’s a much healthier headspace for me. I’ll try to talk to and discuss with the people that I know I can, but if it’s someone where I know it will get me nowhere, then I think it’s a lot better to take my distance, I feel like that’s a very healthy practice. That you don’t have to feel responsible for talking to everyone and educating everyone and convincing everyone. That’s very heavy in terms of emotional labour and you don’t have to put yourself through all of it all the time. It’s not your responsibility.
At the beginning I really felt like it was, and now I’m all ‘Girl, no!’ You have to preserve a shred of sanity. And also it’s not just your responsibility, and that I actually learnt through listening a lot to Black people that are activists for Black rights and equality for people of colour, where they were like ‘You know, it’s not my job to educate every single white person on racial issues!’, and I was like ‘It’s not my job to educate every single straight person on queer issues – yes, you are so right!’ So yeah, I actually got it from there, because being in a minority, you face a lot of similar challenges.
So, that’s also why I’m very interested in hearing the discourse around other types of minorities or marginalized groups, because even if it’s not about me, I like to listen. First of all because, you know, it’s important to educate yourself, and secondly also because sometimes, some of their resources or techniques or other things can also be applied when it comes to queer things. So, I like having open doors between various marginalized groups, because you can learn from one another, as well as being more open and more educated, which is fun.
It blows my mind when people that are already part of a minority group are then super discriminatory against other minorities. I’m like ‘Don’t you get it? You’re doing to them what other people are doing to you, how does that not compute?’ Especially within the same group. For example, homosexual people that are transphobes.
“As soon as something doesn’t immediately involve us, then we’re a lot more relaxed and a lot less attentive to the needs and the struggles of others.”
And I mean, I’m very aware that sometimes, especially if you’re a victim of abuse or if you’ve gone through trauma, things like that, sometimes you bring to the outside the same things that were done to you, you’ve internalized them, you’ve absorbed them, and then you kind of behave in that way, so sometimes it’s not necessarily that it’s your fault as in ‘You’re being a bad person on purpose’.
But often, I just think it’s the fact that we tend to be very interested in preserving our own rights and interests, like in our very small circle, and then as soon as something doesn’t immediately involve us, then we’re a lot more relaxed and a lot less attentive to the needs and the struggles of others. Which, I mean, it’s a very human thing, but I don’t like it. So, I think it’s kind of nice to keep yourself as informed as possible, so that you don’t only see your own struggle but also the ones of others.
Also because being part of a marginalized group doesn’t automatically mean that you are very well informed or very well educated, it’s not that you are born attracted to the same gender or all the genders or so and are then also automatically knowledgeable about all things in politics, anthropology, society… It’s just like, I don’t know, ‘Oh I’m a guy and I like guys’ – good! Step 1, we figured that out, great, and then you can also start building more of a social conscience, so, you know, that’s work! Being an aware queer takes work. But, you know, would you rather work or would you rather be an asshole? I mean, I know that there’s a lot of shades in between…
L: But that is a useful shortcut, to illustrate the choice before you [laughs].
Yes! And it doesn’t mean that you have to always know everything about everything. You can say the wrong thing, it happens, we all do all the time. As long as you stay open and honest, willing to apologize if you’ve done something wrong, or have hurt someone, and stay, you know, open and logical and willing to listen and form informed opinions, then it’s fine. We shouldn’t be afraid or, you know, tip-toe around issues, go for it, but don’t become arrogant. If you were wrong about something, you can apologize and form new opinions and new ideas. So, let’s stay elastic, but aware. At least that’s how I try to be.
“If you were wrong about something, you can apologize and form new opinions and new ideas.”
