I feel like it’s logical if you’ve gone through forms of discrimination or exclusion that you try to not put other people through that. And, you know, it’s a process, because you constantly learn about different types of people, or identities, of questions, it’s an ongoing thing.
We also shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions… Because people can tell if you’re asking because you’re genuinely trying to understand. That’s why I don’t mind at all if people ask me a lot of questions about queerness or about being with another girl and things like that, because if I can tell – and you can tell – that someone is genuinely just interested, then… I mean, I know that I don’t owe it to anyone to give answers or talk about my personal life, but I always try to make an effort to, because I’d rather you hear it from me than from some weird homophobe on the street or whatever.
“I don’t owe it to anyone to give answers or talk about my personal life, but I always try to make an effort to.”
So, even if I’m a little tired of it or if maybe I’m repeating myself for the 50th time, it was not with you. Maybe I’ve said this thing 50 times, but to 50 different people; it’s not their fault that I’ve encountered various people and that the topics are always the same ones, so I’m very happy to answer, if you have questions. Of course, if I can tell that you’re just being an ass, and you’re just trying to pry and things like that, then I’m gonna close off, because I don’t owe it to you.
But if I can tell that it’s genuine… even if the question might seem silly because I’ve already gone through it a million times, I always try to think that for that specific person, it might be the first time that they’re asking it. It might be obvious to me, but it’s not obvious to them, because otherwise they wouldn’t be asking. So I always also try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, I try to be fair. Not everyone knows, especially if you’re not exposed to a lot of diversity. It can be that they’re asking something that sounds a little basic, but it doesn’t matter, then you just tell them. And then it’s fine.
I know it sucks that if you’re from some sort of minority you always have to have your teaching hat on and there’s questions and things like that, but that can’t be helped. Of course, if you don’t feel like it, you have every right to be like ‘I don’t feel like talking about this’ or ‘I really don’t feel like answering this question’, you don’t owe it to anyone, but if you can find it within yourself to spend a little bit of time to inform, then I would say do it. Better that they hear it from you.
If I know where they are coming from, I also don’t mind sometimes answering very personal, sometimes even sexual questions. I know that that’s a very sensitive terrain for a lot of people, so, you know, you set your own boundaries, you know what you’re comfortable with. But I’m like, especially if they’re closer friends, I try to be as open as possible, and I have answered 5000 Million questions that for me are obvious, but I’m like ‘You know what? I’ll repeat myself.’ That is fine. I will repeat myself as long as it’s necessary. Because, you know, you want the correct information to get out, and be spread out in the world, so.
L: That’s a form of activism that basically constantly stays with you and that you engage in just be interacting with other people…
Yeah, that’s the thing, I also like to do it that way, because I have a big problem with crowds. I have a very hard time going to things like parades, protests, marches and things like that, because I genuinely do not feel good, crowds really make me anxious, and I’m very claustrophobic, I end up feeling very ill. So that’s something that I, for my health, don’t feel comfortable doing.
Instead, you know, since I’m much better in smaller environments, I choose that to be my floor for activism, because I can’t do it on a large scale, in big groups and such situations. To each their own, I guess. Everyone plays to their strengths or to their interests or what they can do and what they feel comfortable doing, and I feel comfortable answering 5000 questions about scissoring. I have answered all of them. The answer is always ‘No, nobody does that’. Just in case somebody is still curious: No. That is porn made for straight guys. Also, no, nobody has 15 centimeter long gel nails.
Sometimes, these kind of questions are made in a joking way, but I’ve noticed that if you answer them in a very serious way, just 2 seconds of ‘No, nobody does that’, it kills that kind of fratboy-mood of ‘Ooooh, and you do that?’ I’m just like ‘No’, and that’s the end of it. Sometimes, I find it a lot faster to shut down a type of conversation that is verging on the disrespectful, just by giving a very short, hard answer.
“Asking very private, very sexual questions in disrespectful ways is a form of violence.”
But I can understand that if you are a lot younger, for example, 10 years ago, age 18, I would have not been able to rise above a certain situation, it would have really upset me. And I also wish that was something that people understood, that asking very private, very sexual questions in disrespectful ways is a form of violence. On the scale of violent acts, it’s on a lower end, but it’s still not right.
So you’re not being oversensitive, you’re not overreacting if those types of questions really upset you or make you feel uncomfortable, it’s normal. They’re wrong, not you. By now, I’ve heard a lot of things and confronted a lot of people, and I’m just like ‘bye’ in those situations, but I can understand that someone who’s younger or simply newer into their identity, that that type of confrontation makes you feel really bad, and you have every right to feel bad, they’re being shitfaces.
That’s why I also feel the responsibility in a certain sense to face those people, because I know that I have the experience, and I’ve worked up the stamina, the shield, the security in who I am, to be able to do that, so I’d rather handle those types of people than have them go to a younger queer who is still in a very soft spot. I’m like ‘I can take that, cool, ask me your f*cking questions, very disrespectfully, cool, I’ll shut you down’ and then I’ll move on.
L: In conclusion, leave the baby gays alone.
Exactly! Come to the old gays, we’ve seen shit, come at us, we’re ready. And I’m always super polite, that’s the thing, I’m an extremely non-violent, non-aggressive person. I’m always very polite, even to the people that maybe don’t deserve a whole lot of politeness, but I always want, at the end of every confrontation, to be able to walk away from it, knowing that I was in the right, you know? That I didn’t lower myself to their level, that I wasn’t disrespectful, that I wasn’t violent, that I handled myself in a way that I’m proud of. I wanna have a clear conscience for myself. I want to feel like I’ve done the right thing. So, if I can walk away from a confrontation feeling good about myself and how I handled it, then I’m good. Then I know that I’ve done, you know, my part.
I know it’s tempting. When someone is being disrespectful towards you it’s really tempting to stoop down to their level, but if you can, don’t. You’ll just end up feeling worse about yourself, and that’s not worth it, because those people are not worth it, you deserve to feel much better about yourself. They can be shitty in their own corner, you don’t have to be shitty. Not worth it. You deserve to go home feeling good.
