L: You’ve explained what you are doing to make the world a better place, but maybe we can also talk a little bit about what other people can do to make you feel welcome when you come into a new space, or what other people can do to give you space when you need it?
Something that I always like is when people treat me normally. And I mean it both in the good and in the bad way. In the sense that, for example, if you’re a person that is naturally not super friendly or not super open, don’t feel like you need to overcompensate with me to make clear that it’s not that you’re not talking to me because I’m queer and you hate me but just because you don’t talk to people. It’s fine, you know? If you just have a general disdain for humanity, that’s your thing. I really like it when people just behave the way they would behave with everyone else.
I also know that I’m in a lucky position, because I don’t have particular needs that need to be accommodated, like I would if I had a disability for example or some kind of trauma that is easily triggered, things like that. I am pretty stable in that sense and very lucky that there aren’t that many things that would trigger me or make me feel bad, so if everyone just behaves the way they normally would, I’m fine with it. It’s enough to be treated the same way that you would treat another person.
And by that I also mean that I don’t need overcompensation, you know, immediately having people go ‘You’re so inspiring, you’re so strong, I admire you…’ I understand the sentiment and most of the time it comes from a really good place, but usually you kinda just wanna live your life… I mean, it’s better than a negative reaction, being looked at weirdly or being made fun of or worse… But sometimes it’s also a little much when it goes the other way around, like the second that someone knows that you’re queer and then goes ‘Oh, you’re strong, you’re inspiring, you’re this and that’, I would also tune that down a little bit, even if it’s a positive. Because sometimes it’s a little aggressive, too.
“I don’t need overcompensation.”
I only accept it from baby gays! Because they are flourishing and I’m like ‘Yes, you’re allowed to do that’. I’ve had it a couple of times that people were like ‘Oh, I’ve seen you holding hands with your girlfriend, and it’s so nice!’ and I’m like ‘Aw, you’re a precious little thing and I will protect you, come here’. Honestly, if it was even a straight, very young person, then I’m totally fine with this.
Sometimes I’ve had it where people start with that and then it’s ‘Because, you know, my brother is gay and I love him so much!’ And then I’m just like ‘You know what, that comes from the best place possible, it’s fine’. Even if it’s a little much, I don’t care then, it’s a good much. I completely understand that, and I’m always happy to hear that there’s love for other queer people, so I’m like ‘Please to ahead, be as extra as you want, it’s totally fine’. But you know, if you’re just among adults, then I feel like you should know how to regulate those kinds of expressions a little better, so you know, normalcy, that’s a thing…
A lot of queer people like staying radical and oppositional and confrontational, which is absolutely fine, everyone is the way that they are. But for the majority of us queers, we just want to live our lives, like we’re boring as hell. I swear, we’re just people. We have very mundane boring lives and we want to go on with our mundane, boring lives… I just want to be with my girlfriend, I just want to have a house and a job, yes, boring.
“I do not always want to be screaming at the fringes of society.”
And actually, especially because a lot of us have grown up in environments where you didn’t even know if you would be able to, I don’t know, get married, buy a house with your significant other or things like that, actually those little boring things are the best, you feel so blessed, like ‘Oh, so I actually do get to be happy and boring, like everyone else!’ So yes, I claim my right to be boring. Please let me, I do not always want to be screaming at the fringes of society.
There is value in that, it’s important to keep your social and political conscience awake, so that when there is the need to be screaming at the fringes of society, you’re there, but for the remaining 95 % of the time, boring is wonderful. I love it. At my old place, three doors down, there was this couple of ladies in their mid40s, early 50s, they were holding hands walking their dog morning and evening, and I was like ‘I want to be you when I’m 50’. Because that’s the type of boring normalcy that most of us want.
“I just don’t want to feel singled out all the time.”
So, you know, a space is safe when I feel like people are just behaving the way that they would behave with everyone else, I just don’t want to feel singled out all the time. At least for me, that’s the best feeling. Not feeling that I’m special or weird, but just like everybody else. If everyone just behaves like they would with everyone, I’m golden.
