L: You already hinted at it, but can you tell me more about what makes a space feel like your own, what makes you feel like you can be yourself there?
What I can think of right now, based on my own situation, my own experience, it’s a space where people are… less judgemental and more open. It doesn’t mean that people don’t ask questions or don’t question you, but I think there’s a way of asking questions that shows that you want to learn more instead of just corner down the person, you know?
I didn’t really have that experience when I was living in Ecuador, in my home country, because I feel there everybody is so full of judgement. They’re so cornered down by these little boxes and made so insecure by the people around them that they want to make you insecure, so you don’t really have space to be yourself. And then when I moved here, there was this really nice group of people in my high school in Eindhoven…
Even physically, it feels different, it feels like you can breathe! The air feels different! It wasn’t perfect, obviously, but it was the first time that I noticed a difference, right? Where you tell people something that you’re so anxious about, and they’re just ‘Oh, alright’. Or they maybe ask you ‘Do you want to talk more about this?’ and then you can… That’s already different, this approach of people to the experiences that you have. I like that.
Another big breakthrough was when I moved to Groningen. In the second year I was here, I joined the GFN1 for the first time, and it was so nice, because with my other groups of friends, I was always the friend who was super interested in politics, you know? I was that friend, so for the first time at the GFN I didn’t feel like I was that friend, so it was like another breath of fresh air.
“I was always the friend who was super interested in politics, I was ‘that‘ friend.”
We’re also really different in the GFN, but I think what brings us together is being open to learning about new things, asking questions, and also there is some kind of culture, like respecting people’s boundaries, which I really like and I didn’t know much about. I messed up obviously, but I think I also learned a lot about that, just asking for a hug already is something that I didn’t do before, but it really helps.
Recognising that some people need space makes you think about that, like maybe I do as well, maybe there are some things that are a bit invasive of my personal space, that I have been neglecting because I didn’t think it was possible to say ‘Hey, I don’t wanna hug today’ or ‘Please don’t touch my hair’. I didn’t know it was possible, so I didn’t even consider it and I didn’t know where it was coming from when I felt uncomfortable, but then when people set their boundaries, it was also easier for me to be like ‘Woah, you can do this, what things can I do also for myself?’
“Recognising that some people need space makes you think about that, like maybe I do as well.”
It’s also interesting, because with my friends at the GFN and also my anarchist friends, there’s a really different quote-on-quote “culture”, I don’t know how to say it, but the ways we interact with one another are really different than the ways I interact with my university friends, for example. I know if I ask them for a hug, they would just be like ‘What?’ [laughs]
I’m just thinking like ‘Should I still do it or should I go with the flow? Is this just a different space where I get to be different or do I have to act different because this is how they know me?’ I really don’t know. And I’ve been thinking about this because really, for a year now, I’ve kind of drifted apart from my university friends that I had at the beginning when I first moved here.
I haven’t seen them in maybe 6 months or something? And now it’s a friend’s birthday party next week, and all of them are gonna be there, so I’m actually wondering this… Like this is a different space with different people, so how am I gonna act?
Another space that I have to think about is my parents’ house. I used to go there every two weeks when I first moved here. I started going a bit less often, and then I started going every two weeks again out of guilt, which is not a good reason to visit people, I learned the bad way, and now I’m not going that much anymore. I told them that I just need more space. When I was there with them, when I was forcing myself to go every two weeks, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I had to go outside and walk with the dog, and I would just cry outside in the street, it was not ok.
I would call my friend and be like ‘I don’t wanna be here’ and my friend would be like ‘You don’t owe your parents to go every two weeks’. But it’s also that in my culture it’s really easy to feel guilty about this because there’s this archetype of the bad daughter, you know? Who’s ungrateful, and especially as an immigrant it’s so easy – I’ve experienced this – it’s so easy for your parents to think that you think that you’re better than them, because maybe you speak the language, because you have “European culture”… These are real things that I’ve heard from my mom. We’ve had this clash, especially with my mother, because she was the adult that moved here with me. My sister is my age, the three of us moved here together in 2015.
“I started questioning a lot of things, I stopped shaving because I was like ‘I hate this, why do I keep doing it?’”
When I started changing, when I started developing myself, living alone, the space in the house started to become really constricting and limiting and so stressful; I started questioning a lot of things, I stopped shaving because I was like ‘I hate this, why do I keep doing it?’ and then my mom started making comments about it every time that I was there. So, all these things, I think, contribute to the way you feel about a space.
In Ecuadorian culture in general, there’s not a culture of respecting people’s boundaries, and with that I also mean like commenting on bodies and asking questions that are none of your business, and not like ‘I know this is none of my business but I would like to know anyway’. No, my mum is just like ‘You should really start shaving’ and making fun of me. It makes it really difficult and it can affect the way you feel in a space, and these kinds of interactions have affected my relationship with my mom, my relationship with the house that I lived in for two years…
I’m starting to feel comfortable again, because my mom has learned a lot. I had to set really strict boundaries for this to be able to happen, so that I could go and have a good time there, but for example, it’s the same with my piercings. My mom doesn’t like them and I mean she kinda… I don’t wanna say she ‘lets’ me, you know, she is… ok with it, but she always pesters me about it, she’s like ‘They’re gonna get infected, you just got another piercing, don’t you have enough?’ So, I just got my tongue pierced, and I’m getting ready to be disowned [laughs].
But before our relationship changed like that, I would tell her everything. When I got my first piercing, a septum piercing, I told her about it, and I was so excited, I was like ‘Mom, I wanna get my septum pierced!’ And she was like ‘You gonna look like a cow, but you know, if you’re gonna pay for it’ and like ‘Yes, mom, I’m gonna pay for it.’
“I’m tired of fear.”
It was also the first time that I did something that my mom was not excited about, which also changed our relationship. And it also coincided with me moving here. So, first, I told her everything, and now I’m just waiting until this heals, so there’s no chance of infection anymore and she cannot fill me with her anxieties. Because she’s always so afraid, and I feel like that’s also why I’ve grown up afraid, I’m tired of that, I’m tired of fear, I don’t like that.
“What’s important is to act despite the guilt.”
And the last time that I went to my parents, it was so nice. And I did things… I think the guilt, sometimes it kind of goes away? But what’s important is to act despite that guilt. I felt so guilty for not visiting them, I’ve cried so much, I felt so bad about my mom because I know she missed me, but I also have to think about myself, and I think I did the right thing. And the last time that I went there I stayed for a day, and usually I would stay there for the whole week-end, but I stayed there for a day and my mom didn’t say anything. Usually, she would comment on it, she would be passive-aggressive about it, my sister would be passive aggressive about it… But we had a great time, and it was a day and then I went away. I think this is also a way of preserving relationships.
