L: You were talking about leaving Groningen and going to Amsterdam, what are you hoping to find there?
Well, I’m hoping to find a little bit more a community where people share in both my identities, you know? I think there are people who are open-minded, but I feel… I don’t know how, I wish we could figure out how and what we could do to bridge that gap, because some people are willing to kinda do the work, but then there’s some times where I do feel like an outcast in the LGBT-community here. But yeah, I hope I do find people that are even more open-minded about it and also have a community, more of a community.
I think with BLOG (Black Ladies of Groningen), I tried to set up that as well. That’s also difficult, because I never felt like I could really talk about being black and queer at the same time, it was always kinda separate. I feel like even in the GFN (Groningen Feminist Network), I could talk about being black and queer more than I could in BLOG, because… not that anybody told me that I couldn’t. I don’t know how to explain it, but especially in black communities, there’s kinda this notion that you can’t be queer. Like, if you’re black, you can’t be queer. But that’s so not true.
So yeah, I hope to find more of a community, where I feel like both identities are represented. Not to say that I won’t go to something that’s queer or that is black, talking more about blackness or more about queerness. But I feel like I need those two identities to kind of integrate a bit, and I feel maybe being in a community that shares both will help me with that. And then also I feel like Groningen, while it is a nice city, there are a few more opportunities for me in Amsterdam. Because actually I don’t really love Amsterdam, because it’s so crowded and tourists and all of that, I could do without that [laughs], but in terms of opportunities, communities, things to do… There are some here, but there’s a lot more there. So, hopefully next year.
L: In this situation, where you don’t have a community with other people who share your identities, how do you find moments where you can be yourself and feel good safe?
Well, I think, I find those moments when I am by myself, in my house, when I can focus on stuff. But it’s been really difficult for me to focus, because there’s so much going on in my mind, because I have so much to deal with. Being in a new country and having all the things to deal with from this country, and then also having to deal with stuff from in the past, from when I was in Trinidad, and then school and everything… It’s been quite difficult.
“When I get too stressed, I say ‘Ok, take a moment’. A simple thing like just breathing is so powerful.”
I think exercise really helps me. When I get too stressed, I say ‘Ok, take a moment’. I feel like meditating, a simple thing like just breathing is so powerful. I think a lot of people don’t breathe correctly, and I am so guilty of that [laughs]. Breathing actually gives you power. When I breathe, at least from my experience, I feel like I have a strong centre, and it’s such a simple thing to just stop and focus on how you’re breathing. It can also kind of calm you. I have bad anxiety, and I think sometimes I just need to stop and just breathe and feel my body and be in the moment. Things like that, small things like that really help me.
And also just doing something for yourself. I like clothes or shoes, so I might buy some to feel good [laughs]. But yeah, I think taking care of your body is really important, you know, like making sure you take some time to relax. And I love to sleep, I loooove sleeping, I probably sleep more than the average person, maybe like 12 hours [laughs]. I don’t know, I just feel like my body needs more rest. My boyfriend sleeps around 8 hours and he’s good with that, but I’m like ‘I need a nap’ in the afternoon.
I’m actually a very chaotic person, I have to admit. I feel like it was okay in my country to be a bit chaotic, but here everything is quite organised, and I think that’s been getting me into a little bit of problems. I’m trying to figure that out for myself, but with everything I had to deal with, it was very hard for me to organise myself. Because I feel like I have to make sure that everything I do, I have to write it down and say ‘You’re gonna do this at this time, and this at that time’, which is not really something I did before, so yeah…
I think also being organised here would give me more rest, so I’m trying to get up to speed with organising myself, but sometimes I feel like it’s nice to be spontaneous. I think that’s something I really need to do, so I can also be spontaneous. If everything is organised, I can also say ‘Okay, so this is some free time to do anything I want, doesn’t matter’, you know? Because I feel we need a balance between organised and kind of spontaneous and wild. I feel like when you become too organised, you lose sight of everything, because you’re just doing, doing, doing, doing, and there’s no relaxation or room for anything else, you know? So, I feel like to be a balanced person, you need a balance between the two.
“I feel we need a balance between organised and kind of spontaneous and wild. I feel like when you become too organised, you lose sight of everything.”
L: Yeah, some time to feel.
Yeah, exactly. Because life is not always put together, it’s also some chaos, that’s my theory of life. Life is chaotic and also partially organised, so we need both. If you look at it that way, you can organise and prepare to some extent, but then to some extent you also have to say ‘Okay, it’s what it is’, and kind of let go and let that be. And yeah, whatever it is, take it kind of one step at a time.
