L: I’m also curious what people can do to give you space, like how can people support you in taking the time and space to rest, for example?
I think it’s hard… hm, I don’t know. My cousin is a social worker, I guess that’s what the English translation would be, and she’s studied psychology and stuff like that, and she said something to me that really resonated, which is that people tend to give the love they want to receive.
So people have a lot of trouble figuring out what the other person would like, and it usually either does not occur to them to ask, or it doesn’t even occur to them that someone could want something other than what they assume; so, I think a really simple example would be if someone loves giving and receiving hugs, they might have a tendency to “force” hugs upon other people, even when other people would not like to be hugged, and it’s really hard for people, I think, to snap out of that, like it would be a real learning process.
“People tend to give the love they want to receive.”
I think it’s hard for people to even start on the path of learning that, so I think the best way to give someone space or to give them what they need would just be to ask. But that’s really hard, because you don’t wanna feel like you’re placing a burden on someone else, I think, because you might feel like ‘Oh, something bad happened to my friend, and I don’t wanna burden them by being like ‘What can I do, what do you need from me?’’ And I have read suggestions to just do something, like just show up with a casserole, or call them and be like ‘Tell me how you’re feeling’, or venmo them 20 $ or something like that, or send them flowers.
“Sometimes I need my space, but sometimes I also really need somebody to talk to, and sometimes it’s hard to realize what I need or want.”
But I feel like, on the one hand it’s nice, and something general like sending someone flowers when you know they like flowers will probably always be received well, I think, but at the same time it could have unexpected consequences to just show up with a casserole. At least in the United States, there’s kind of a joke, especially in the south, a lot of people will show up with food when someone passed away, and in the end you will have like 50 casseroles in your fridge that you’re never gonna eat, you know? And you don’t wanna throw them away but you’re not gonna eat all that food.
So, I think you’re better off asking somebody what they need, because everybody needs something different. Sometimes I need my space, but sometimes I also really need somebody to talk to, and sometimes it’s hard to realize what I need or want. So maybe it would also help to offer some suggestions, and be like ‘Would you like me to give you some space?’ And then if the person is like ‘I don’t know, I don’t know’, then maybe that’s a sign that that’s not the option that they want, and you can be like ‘Ok, would you like to talk to me about it?’ ‘Maybe?’ ‘Shall I make you some tea?’ ‘Yeah, that sounds good’, you know? Like you can give some options maybe? But I think that usually the direct approach is the best approach in the long run.
